My friend Meghan posted something I thought was so pertinent today in response to New Years. And it got me thinking about what to write for my final post of 2019. I’m not going to be dancing until midnight sipping champagne and eating confetti with 100 of my closest friends tonight. And I’m not sure I have much fluffy to say. So if you don’t want to read something real and honest go elsewhere please.
My wife and I have spent the better part of 2019 not sleeping. And worrying. And being stressed. We have had precious little time to connect with each other. Perhaps that’s our fault. But I love her with all my heart and I pray to holy heaven she never leaves me.
My son has spent the better part of the year being sleep deprived. Dealing with the arrival of a new baby brother. And starting to vocalize and feel really deep and complex emotions. I would rather eat nails than watch him suffer and I will continue to be fierce in searching for how to help him live his best life. He is so goddamn beautiful it’s hard to look at him. He looks just like Kady.
My dad passed away right after my second son Julian was born. I wasn’t there with he and my brother because we were in the hospital managing a difficult birth. I miss him. I am sad I didn’t get to hold his hand as he finally let go. I am sad my brother was alone with him when he died. That I couldn’t be there to comfort him. I am grateful to Tom for taking care of him in those final moments.
Work has been up and down and frustrating and boring. I’m grateful for it. But I long to leverage my skills and to fulfill a deeper purpose. It leaves me questioning what I really want and how to get there. And also questioning what it actually takes for me to feel happy about what I do. I don’t remember the last time I felt truly satisfied.
There is an absolute diabolical dolt in charge of our country. The only time I have ever been grateful my mom is not around is that she never had to witness his bloated ignorant corpulent reign of terror.
I feel like I’m still in search mode. Searching for the ideal job. The ideal home. The ideal furniture configuration. The ideal amount of sleep. The perfect blend of coffee and whipped cream. Searching for the thing that will allow me to pour my guts into and have something I can be proud of at the end of the day. Searching for how to be a better person.
I leave 2019 with a thousand more questions than I had when I started the year. And I suppose maybe that is the silver lining here. I have purpose. To be better. Stronger. Smarter. More loving. Kinder. More open. To meditate more. To smile instead of furrow my brow in anger. To have and to hold. To recommit. To persevere.
I know what matters. I feel it in my bones and in the clenching of my heart. Kady. Lou. Julian. Tom. Nate. My whole big family full of wonderful people. Mom and Dad – always. Aunt Sheila for knowing how I feel about mom. My friends. The real ones who have stuck with me when I’ve been an ass. Who send me videos of them taunting their cat. Or tell me about their dogs. Or text me randomly something silly. Lauren and Ryan seriously thank you so much for being my friends. Sammy you are an incredible human. Manda I miss you and hope we can become close again. Holly for always biking out of your way for dinner and making sure I don’t become a recluse. Zoe for loving cats and getting bamboo stuck in your teeth. Nathan for being more grumpy than me. Marina for knowing what truly tired is.
2019 was a tough year. But the thing that made it survivable was the people. If we can survive 2019 we can survive anything. 2020 I have big plans for you. Here I come.
