I attended the Pair Camp at the University of Washington in 2002. I had only been rowing about a year and a half and my coach suggested that I attend to get some more experience. It was the last camp that Jan Harville coached (how incredibly lucky was I?) and I can still hear her voice and the words she said to me on the water.
I had fixed up a junker bike from the house I had rented a room in and rode it all over campus and Seattle that summer. I remember biking home from practice one day and listening to my discman. I had had a breakthrough on the water that morning. And I had the most distinct feeling of absolute assurance that this was my purpose. To out everything I had into rowing. It was an exhilarating feeling. To know that I was on the right path at the right time. I was living my best life.
I stopped competing in 2012 and spent the next five years coaching everyone. I wanted to help other people get better and be successful. I wanted them to have the same level of attention and support I had as a rower. But eventually I wanted more out of coaching than the sport was able to give and decided to move on. Ever since I have been searching for that same sense of purpose.
I’m not saying I don’t live with purpose. I do. I want to be a good wife and mother. I want to care for others. I want to share my thoughts. I want to make people laugh. But I also want something definitive. Something I can point my bow towards and just go.
It’s crazy to be forty years old and not know who I am or what I want to do with my life. I’m still searching. And I’m trying not to judge. But I know there’s something more that I can’t quite grasp yet. Something in me that I am unable to fully discern. What’s my purpose? I ask myself over and over again.
I have no problem working hard at whatever it is that I’m doing. But hard work and accomplishment aren’t enough to sustain me when it’s not my true calling. I want to be able to say unequivocally “this is what I want. This is my purpose.” And I’m just not sure what that is yet. Still searching. What’s my purpose?
Thanks for reading.
