Pretty Gay

There was a time I used to get mad when people compared me to Ellen Degeneres. Because she was gay. And I did not want to be gay or associated with anything gay.

But I distinctly remember a time when a classmate of mine leaned down and whispered something to me and her face was so close to mine. I had the overwhelming urge to pull her face to mine and kiss her. I remember feeling like I wasn’t quite in control of myself in that moment. Almost like someone with Tourette’s shouts obscenities. I felt like I was just going to start kissing every girl I found myself attracted to.

And it was scary. Scary because I was a teenager and didn’t really know what kissing or sex was. Scary because I didn’t know any gay people. Scary because I wanted to be attracted to guys and if I wasn’t what did that mean?

And now I think of Ellen as a hero. I remember her coming out episode. I was watching with my mom in our kitchen. I felt hot all over. Like my skin was ablaze. Like the world was watching me tell everyone I was gay. It was a glorious pivotal moment. But I wasn’t ready quite yet.

And it loomed over me for another year. This thing I felt but couldn’t understand or define. This liking girls.

I had crushes in college that I didn’t understand and was also in love with a friend’s boyfriend. I was confused. I wanted to kiss my dorm student advisor but never thought I could. Liking girls felt like a secret that would only exist in my imagination and never be a real thing I experienced.

Until I did.

I remember kissing a guy that I thought I liked and being really not ok with it. It didn’t feel right. In fact it was gross. Now I think he was just a terrible kisser but I knew I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t want anything more than friendship.

The first time I kissed a girl I was attracted to it felt like everything I ever imagined it would. It felt 100% natural and appropriate and wonderful. And I came out that year. I’ll never forget what my mom said when I told her. She said “there’s nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any less.” And my confidence grew from there.

And now I’m married to an incredible sophisticated beautiful woman and we have a family. My life feels a long way from being offended by comparisons to Ellen. A long way from worrying about how I felt. A long way from dating straight girls. A long way from lack of representation in the world.

I’m not big on labels. But I’m pretty gay. I have always felt this way. And I’m sharing it with you because I want you to know that it’s ok. Whoever you love. However you love. It’s Pride month and this is how I’m taking part. By sharing some of me with you and being proud.