Not There But There

My mom isn’t next to me right in the physical sense but she is next to me. She always is. And even when my mom was alive but not next to me she was still always with me. It was a promise she made to me when I was young and something she would say to comfort me. Even when I’m not around I’m still always with you. And it was what I echoed to her during her last moments on this Earth. I whispered “always” again and again and again. I wanted her to know that I would always be there with her wherever she went from that hospital bed almost four years ago. 

I often think of texting her when something silly or odd  happens or what she would say to me about a stressful or comical situation. Her imagined wisdoms a ballast against the torrents and storms of daily life. She informs how I communicate and how I love to this day. 

Recently I transitioned out of coaching full time to focus on my new job and our new baby boy, Lou and being more present for Kady and our little family. I can’t say I miss the early mornings and long odd hours and the grind. It was a grind for a long time. But I do miss the people that I came to love, my students. 

I wonder if they think of what I would say when they are out there rowing by themselves or with another teacher. Imagining me with my big blue plastic megaphone, waving my arms around demonstrating how to row properly. What would be my crazy pulpetty speech while standing in the launch waking all of portage bay with my passionate thoughts? Am I there with them even when I am not? 

Is that the lasting legacy of a teacher? Of someone who inspires and nudges others to be better than they were the day before? Or to see themselves differently and to be challenged in a way that makes them believe they are good and worthwhile? A presence that lasts beyond the immediate moment? Maybe it’s not one particular lesson, but the body of work you give that creates that sense of “always.”