I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Uncertainty mixed with determination mixed with aggravation mixed with fatigue. What do I want?
I’ve never done particularly well with ambivalence. I tend to do well with a clear big goal. I can put my head down and work hard and improve and get better and better until I’m the best I can be at that thing. I enjoy finding the limits.
Sports were a way for me to dream big and push myself. And though I still have physical goals and exercise regularly that’s not the vehicle I want to pursue anymore. I want to stretch my creativity and intellect and leadership. But saying what I want in that regard isn’t as simple as saying I want to race the single at the World Championships. The world feels suddenly so big and so small at the same time.
I keep thinking it will become clear suddenly. That one day I’ll just know. And maybe it will. But what do I do in the meantime? The time that feels like I’m treading water. I’m peaking around the corner to discern something. But it keeps slipping away behind another corner. When will I find it? Where will I find it? More importantly what will I do?
