Way back in 2003 I attended the pair camp at the University of Washington. I ended up making the top pair and got to end the camp by competing at US Nationals in Camden, NJ. My pair partner and I raced in the beginner, intermediate, and elite pair races. We did great in both the beginner and intermediate, but got beaten up quite a bit in the elite race. We’d only been rowing together a couple of weeks and were competing against National Team athletes, but we were still quite bummed with our performance.
My mom flew in from Ohio to watch us race and to spend some time together since I’d been clear across the country for most of the summer. After our last race she came over to where we had the boat in slings and she could see that Mary and I were pretty bummed. She tried to cheer me up but I wasn’t having it. I knew she was proud of me, but I was disappointed in myself.
She told me about a conversation she had with our coach after seeing us like this. And the coach said something I’ve never forgotten. She said “sometimes you just need to let them feel bad.”
As a parent myself I now understand how hard it must have been for my mom to watch us feel bad. She was proud no matter what. And she wanted us to feel better. But feeling bad isn’t always a bad thing.
First, by giving space you allow someone to feel the depth of their emotions. It’s easy to want to cheer people up but in doing so we end up glossing over important feelings. We need to be careful not to short change someone’s ability to process. To understand you first have to feel.
Second, giving someone space to feel their feelings helps them to understand what matters and what they expect of themself and further where they can improve in the future. First you feel, then you understand, then you grow.
Third, we feel at different speeds and depths and that is ok. One person might move through the cycle faster than another. Or one person might feel more sad. But the key is allowing others to move through their responses in their own time. They will come out the other side.
You can support them by listening. Offering affirming words. And by validating how and what they are feeling. Don’t be too quick to have them move on but let them know you’re there for them.
Ultimately, when someone is disappointed in themself or an outcome it’s important to let them feel bad for a little while. Let them own what’s in their head and heart. Show them what they feel and think matters. And give them space to process, understand, and then grow from it. The alternative is that people will pretend they’re over something or worse stop caring altogether. Sometimes you just need to let people feel bad for a little bit, so they can grow and evolve.
What do you think?
