Mindfulness is something elusive to me. Being in the moment, whether it be joyful or painful is very difficult. I’m always thinking ahead. Usually because of some fear or anxiety that I have.
What I do experience is flashes of anger or joy or sadness. They well up quickly and burn or gush or erupt out of me. Gone quickly. But not without leaving a mark.
Today at the beach I was watching my son joyfully throw rocks into he water. He would yell with delight each time I threw one in as well. He was just right there. Throwing rocks. Totally immersed in what he was doing. And happy.
He wasn’t thinking about how cold the water was. Or what was for dinner. Or the sand crabs under the stones. Or anything other than throwing rocks.
I tried for a moment to be right there with him. But I was overwhelmed by other thoughts and sensations. How cold my hands were. The wind whipping my hair into my eyes. What was for dinner. Keeping him safe.
I tried to teach him to throw the stones overhand. He did it once, perfectly. And then went right back to whipping them sideways and screaming happily. Who was I to get in the way of this undisturbed moment of his?
I want to start meditating. I’m so consumed by my emotions and at the mercy of my responses to them. As are the people I care about the most. I feel like I’ve been missing moments for years because of anger and rage, or sadness, or fear, or jealousy. I don’t want to miss any more. My days with these wonderful creatures I call family are not infinite.
I don’t expect contentedness. There will always be problems to solve and troubles ahead. Likewise there will be celebrations and love and laughter. So I want to be able to rely on myself to own my responses. Not be subject to their whims. To pay attention to them with curiosity and to be able to choose which ones I give onus to. I can’t do it without some sort of strategic practice. Without becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they lead me.
Sam Harris said something that really struck me on one of his meditation lessons. He said to establish a relationship with uncertainty. I think a better word might be to cultivate one. Uncertainty will surely always exist. So why not build a connection to it so it stops owning my life? But rather allows me to accept and acknowledge fear and anxiety and respond to it in a way that aligns with my best self?
Time to start. This moment is as good as any other.
