My mom and I went to dinner at a little Greek restaurant in a neighboring town when I was home from college once. It was warm out and we parked on a side street and walked a couple blocks to the restaurant arm in arm.
We had a wonderful dinner. Yummy food. Great conversation. Closeness.
We chatted the whole way back to the car and just as we reached where we had parked we heard a young woman yelling down to us from the balcony of the house where our car was parked. She was angry and annoyed. You could hear it in her tone. I don’t remember her exact words but she was mad we had parked in front of her house. They didn’t have a parking lot and when non residents park on their street they have to park far away from the house.
She was rude to my mom and I immediately got mad. I wanted to yell back at her for being disrespectful to my mom. Tell her what a jerk she was. Especially after we had had such a wonderful dinner together.
But before I could my mom calmly and sweetly apologized to her. She told her that she lived in an apartment with a similar parking situation in college and she understood how frustrating it could be to find parking. She apologized for parking in their spot.
The woman’s tone changed right away. She was less angry and more calm. She told my mom not to worry a about it but was still annoyed. And then my mom said I hope you have a good night. And the girl turned and went back inside.
When we got in the car I asked my mom why she was so nice. I told her the girl had been rude and she didn’t deserve to be talked to like that. My mom just said we don’t know everything in someone else’s heart. It’s better to be empathetic. She wasn’t upset about it and so I let it go as well.
That has stuck with me for so long. And admittedly I fail at it more often than not. But it’s a good reminder to lead with love and understanding. To not write stories in our heads about what is in someone’s else’s heart. Because how could we possibly know?
The girl was angry and clearly expecting my mom to respond in kind. But my mom knew reciprocating her anger wouldn’t do any good, for either of them. And what would she have taught her daughter to engage in a fight in the street with a total stranger?
Leading with empathy creates space in the world for people to feel without judgment. It also allows our own angry sparks to die out before they become flames. It’s hard I know. I often want to yell and be mad and it takes constant reminding to let it go. But whenever I do I feel just a little bit better.
Maybe my mom did feel angry or upset. But she redirected her emotions with positive intent. And in turn diffused a tricky encounter, spared herself the pain of lingering in anger, and taught her daughter a valuable lesson that’s still paying off nearly twenty years later.
PS – my moms birthday was on Friday. She would be 72. I wasn’t able to put something together on the day, but this feels like an appropriate ode even if a few days late.
