Friendship is complex. Emotions like love, jealousy, competition, insecurity, vulnerability, manipulation, envy, passion, laughter, commiseration to name a few. Friendship is a layered and chaotic ball of emotional intensity with highs and lows.
In my experience the best friendships are the ones that hold nothing against you. They don’t get mad when you haven’t spoken for months (or years) and when you do it’s like no time has passed at all. They offer support and security. They know you no matter how many things in your life have changed. They know no distance. They come in and out of your life always leaving a positive and lucky feeling.
Bad friendships are so difficult to navigate. Because they often have very similar characteristics to good ones. Fond memories. Surviving hard times together. Deep passion and some of the most fun adventures you’ve ever had.
But they don’t leave that positive feeling. They leave you unsettled. Questioning. Angry. Hurt.
It can take years to extricate yourself from a bad friendship. The feelings are complicated. Guilt. Empathy. Am I a sociopath for dropping this friend who was a part of my life for so long?
When you’re young you’ve got time for the drama and drain. But not when you’re older. With career and family and very full days you have to be selective with who gets your attention. It’s a precious commodity.
Sometimes it’s hard to have clarity because of the mix of emotions that occur with these types of relationships. I try to ask myself a few things. Why am I engaging with this person? How will I feel if it goes awry again? Do I want to be vulnerable with them?
If I can’t answer those definitively I stay away. And the short term guilt or conflict that I feel is worth the long term sanity that I keep.
Some friendships are worth fighting for. Working to get over that hump together. Some are not. And it can be difficult to know the difference. But I’d rather spend my precious time with the people who love me and make me feel good and hold me to a high standard than waste time with those who don’t.
