I’m nearly four decades old. I can’t decide if feeling dissatisfied is just in my nature or if I haven’t figured out yet what makes me satisfied.
Rowing was an amazing opportunity for me to push my limits and see how far I could take something. But results fade quickly and people forget what you did when the next competition is quickly approaching. Time to enjoy a win is short and sweet and then you’ve got to refocus. You’ve got to get better and faster to keep up with the new competition.
So did rowing create this sense of unease and angst? Or it is me? Or maybe this was why I was drawn to rowing in the first place?
I’m beginning to realize that this is who I am. I’m never satisfied no matter how accomplished I become no matter what new thing I jump into. And I’m not ok just doing a job and making it through the day. When I think back on moments where I enjoyed the things I achieved they are fleeting. I’m constantly chasing a feeling of calm or serenity. Is this just everyone?
It wasn’t until 2012 that I felt like I wanted to move on from rowing. I would pass a body of water, some small town river or pond where the water was glassy and undisturbed and I wouldn’t feel that itch to row across it. Anyone who’s rowed the single well knows what I’m talking about. After over a decade of singular focus I felt ready to hang up the oars and rack my boat.
But since then I have been unsettled and moody. I’m sure my wife would say I was just as unsettled and moody then, but I had rowing to channel that energy into. I could process how I felt by honing a craft and working my mind and body to exhaustion. I’ve always relied on exercise and sports to do this.
So the transition to the coaches launch and now to the corporate world leaves me without that same kind of release. Exercise and physicality have taken a back seat to everything else. I’m glued to a chair most of the day and looking at a screen for my human interactions. There’s no forward motion. No movement. I’m sitting still.
I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have a great job, and an even more amazing team and manager. I joke that in rowing when you are frustrated you can just pull harder to work through your emotions. But in the corporate world you can’t just type harder when you email. It’s not the same.
Is there a way to create something equivalent to process my emotions and channel my effort in this new setting? The angst and dissatisfaction aren’t going to go away but maybe I can find a way to create that same sense of progress and forward motion.
What do you do when you’re dissatisfied? I’m taking suggestions.
Thanks for reading.
