This isn’t a word I use often. But when it comes to dealing with lack of sleep or a child that won’t go to sleep I can’t do it. I suck at it. I constantly feel like a failure. Like my kids and wife hate me and I’ll never be worthy.
Yeah. It’s that bad. It’s not about wanting to lay in bed at the end of the night and watch movies either. I just don’t want to constantly tow the line between good parenting and shitty behavior. Of feeling like a piece of crap because I can’t handle this one thing.
A good night is where my son falls asleep quickly without a lot of fussing. A bad night he’s up for an hour and a half constantly moving and unable to fall asleep and I lose my patience.
It feels like I’m living in Groundhog Day. I try. I fail. Same thing the next day. I can’t escape it. I feel like I’m trying to succeed at something that I’m doomed to fail at.
It alienates me from those I love the most. It’s not how I want to be. And I feel alone. What could be worse?
Maybe I should write these posts earlier in the day so they aren’t always following a rough bedtime. But this is the reality that I’m living in right now. And it feels dishonest to post something else when I feel like crap.
Thanks for reading these endless melancholy posts.
Sleep deprivation is truly terrible (and getting enough sleep is completely fantastic and not at all overrated). It is not anything you can overcome by being tough, being strong, or powering through. It’s like starvation — there’s no other way around it, you need food, and you need sleep. Deprivation distorts your personality. After my daughter was born (long ago) neither of us slept through the night until two weeks before her second birthday. Working full time, I didn’t have a creative thought that entire time and for about a year afterward as I slowly restored my sleep bank. Good luck finding a solution that carries you through, even for a little while. It sounds like you’ve reached the point where considering getting some help at home would make sense, and I hope that’s in reach. Sending you good wishes from the banks of the Schuylkill River. — Lisa